youthsewage | recent entries

i’ve been in a bad mood all week. or more like, i’ve been trying to cover up the mood with random crap that doesn’t even help- like i’m missing someone, or like my mind is just begging me to give up and go back to the miserable comfort of locking myself in my house and leaving everything behind.

rephrasing it, i think it’s just me trying to go back to the weird, sick safety of my depression. i hate it, and i hate myself for it. at the same time, it feels like something i’ll never escape. so for now, i’m just trying to figure myself out a bit more, but everyone and everything around me won't let me. maybe they’re just afraid they’ll lose me if i change- i hate that too.
as for my current night drama, there’s not much to tell. i tried to have a friendly talk with someone, but it turned sour and weird, leaving me feeling like shit again. i don’t understand these social rules where i’m to blame for someone elses shitty behhavior, but maybe that's just another weird thing about me.

my brain is just wired this way. like a curse i can’t get away from lol

goodnight, gabeee :- p

current mood: sleepy

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failure at everything, mid at art and my stupid salary just went down the drain because of some lame idea. i'm already tired and it's not even half of the week. goodnight, see you tomorrow for more whining

gabe

current mood: frustrated

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letters of a pariah

no, i didn’t go crazy. i didn't go missing or end up presumably dead. i’m still holding on, even if the week of my birthday always comes like crashing waves of misery and unfairness. if this is my curse, may heaven help us all.

this is my goodbye letter to you. or maybe it's just a resignation to your incompetence- a final note of everything i wanted to tell you before leaving. words are meant to hide things sometimes, but with you, there’s no point in trying to bury the meaning. i’m not going to beat around the bush or pretend that every year i spent growing up next to you wasn't a major part of my life, for better or for worse.

you taught me how to fear. maybe, for the better, that’s what makes a child more fitting for society-quiet, hopeless, and full of broken dreams. a kid who feared things that seem so simple now compared to what i’ve grown to dread. some people don’t deserve the gift of raising something as fragile as a child, and even if i’m not religious, i hope and pray to god that if i ever have kids of my own, they never see your ghost in my face.

now, at almost eighteen, i’m torn between dying by your knife or jumping off the cliff myself- taking my own life before i let you have the satisfaction of doing it for me. you taught me sadness, despair, and a pure hatred i couldn't escape. you haunt me- it breaks my heart to know that in those rare, happy, cloudy moments between fragments of what i thought was real, i actually saw you as a father, as my own hero who would protect me.

never meet your heroes, or better yet- never trust them at all. most of them, they’ll bite you, they’ll hunt you, and they’ll threaten to kick your self respect back into the dirt without a second thought.

i hope this letter finds you eventually. if not, i don’t care. i just hope that in your final days, when death comes creeping at the door, you think of me as a made up memory, not your son. because if you try to pull me back to you, you’ll find yourself tugging on a string with no end

this isn't me waving a white flag.
think of it as me pretending you’re already gone. basically in my stories, you’re dead now.

gabriel

current mood: crushed

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finally home from the my chem show, but i'll probably post this tomorrw because right now i'm just so drained. i have no words- mostly i'm still processing and digesting the fact that i actually saw that live. i was there. in person

first of all, the local opening band was cool. i can see why they chose them, and i love that they’re mcr fans too, so they were just as hyped as we were. it was fun, but they just had like. maybe half an hour set, so it was a bit short

the second opener was the hives. i’d listened to some of their stuff months before the show and wasn’t super convinced because i didn’t really get the vibe (doesn't mean they're not cool btw), but seeing them live is a whole different thing. the band is amazing, especially the lead singer (can’t remember his name right now, sorry, i’m sleepy as hell guys). he was so cool to us. he even stopped the show for a minute to ask the crowd to back up a few times because people kept pushing against the barrier. their songs are so catchy, and he was just fun to interact with. the "forever the hives" chorus thingy is still stuck in my head. i’m officially a hives fan now lol

then, the my chem set. i knew what i was getting into, but hell, i was still so excited. seeing the black parade set in person is something else- it just hits you with this wall of reality of "oh fuck, they’re literally right there!!!" even though i'm too stunned to feel anything but exhaustion, i’m just so happy i got to see them

as a latin american, this means everything. seeing your favorite band live changes your life, and it changed mine i guess

the encore??? god, it was majestic. i’m still in shock that i got to sing lady of sorrows, vampires, and to the end. i definitely ruined my throat screaming along to ghost of you and na na na, but i don’t even care. i’ve never been happier lol

to be all sappy and emotional for a second, this band and this specific show pulled me out of some really dark times last year. i kinda looked up at this show as my salvation- there was no way i was going to leave this world without seeing my chem come back to my country after eighteen years. and i did it, i finally experienced it, and i survived those weird dark times to get here. i won, in a way-i could never thank this band enough.

anyway, sappiness aside, the setlist was stunning and the crowd was wild. i didn’t realize how loud we were until i saw gerard break character for a second to laugh at how loud everyone was. it was amazing. i hope they come back soon, because we’re gonna miss them a lot after this

i'm gonna shove a few photos here (at least the ones i took when i wasn't busy singing my voice away)

(mikey shirt lol, finally got official merch yay)

(gubrik postcard, great souvenir)

(beloved huracan stadium)

(he's pointing at you!!)

(would burn one of you guys to keep him warm lol)

(keeping the vampire look as always)

(frank doing whatever this is honestly)

(peekaboo mikey)

p.s. i did bring my patrick pc to the show. patrick witnessed to the end live

that's all. i'm so happy really.

gabe

current mood: happy

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back from the dead after a few weeks, here’s the recap (open wide lol)

i’m seeing my chem in a few days (four days to be exact), "excited" is a massive understatement- honestly, i didn’t even realize how much i loved them until right now, i still can't believe i'm seeing them live anyway. i'm going with my dad, so i’m just praying and crossing my fingers he stays cool. hopefully he doesn't use the car ride to smother me with weird questions or talk shit about my mom

emotionally, things are looking up. compared to how i was running in circles last month, i’m actually kind of proud of myself- sure, the sadness still hits sometimes, but you can’t pass it without actually going through it, right? (i try to tell myself that when i’m feeling hopeful)

my friends invited me to a pool party and (thank god) they didn't invite my ex. last time we were in the same room was at a birthday party where he decided to get wasted quick and lock himself in the bathroom to cry about me in front of everyone.

it was just so uncomfortable. it's not even the first time he's pulled that move, so everyone kind of knew his "strategy" by now?? his friends just called him an uber and sent him home.

and before anyone points fingers at me, i didn't do anything. we’ve been over for almost a year becausw he kept getting more toxic month after month. he didn't care when i was grieving and he used to be weird about my old addiction. he just wasn't good for me, so i finally did something for myself and ended it.

he still tries to get my attention, but i’m really disgusted by it all that i spent the rest of that party watching old fuse interviews on my phone until he left. interviews are the best by the way, love those

anyway, i'm also heading to some kind of emo convention? emo con? does that exist? apparently, yes, because i’m going to one- i’m a bit of a regular at this one (sue me suee me for loving spending money), but i’m dragging my not-so-emo friend along this time.
she wants to change her style and likes mine (even thoughh i’m not even cool-looking, just a regular guy who talks about bands way too much). i also promised my friend from texas (hope you guys are surviving that snowstorm)that i’d buy him some twenty one pilots stuff.

so yeah, i’m going to be broke eventually- i’m mostly going for the local bands, it’s usually just a bunch of weird-looking old guys, but it’s fun to bob your head to the covers. i also want to find a new patrick photocard to bring to the my chem show. that’d be super cool, right? (i’ll post it here or maybe twitter, idk)

i feel like i’m writing too much. mayb i just kept it all in for too long- whatever. i’ll probably be back here on sunday.

to be continued,
mr. graveyard (gabe)

current mood: chipper

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i've been absent for so many moons by now that i owe you a report on how ive been doing. i know you probably didn't ask for it, but still, im giving it to you on a silver platter- just like everything else ive regurgitated on this blog.

the festivities were nice. this was my last year as a kid and i really don't want to dwell on that, but i don't think i've ever actually felt like one. i know it isn't my fault- everyone around me seems to treat me like some kind of old, wise guy (which, as far as i know, i'm definitely not)

howevr, i got to reunite with old friends(yes, again) and finally fixed that weird problem with the person from my last entry (communication finally worked its magic). i can officially say it feels great to be on vacation, even though i’m not a big fan of the summer. don't ask about the summer part.

recently, i’ve been meeting new people on other medias. i'm not a great talker with strangers (or anyone at this point) because i never know how to keep up with a conversation out of nowhere, but i met this guy who seems friendly (even though he loves to bully me- not in a rude way though).
he’s a bit guarded, but we’ve been calling almost daily to do random stuff togetherr. as lovely as it sounds, i’m paranoid by nature, so it scares me to open up to people this quickly.

then again, i think no one can truly control their words at midnight, so i guess i’ll just take this humiliation to my grave- and to my blog, of course.

that’s all i’ve got for now (or at least all i can rmr)

gabegraveyard (p.s. i don't like how sad the bored mood looks)

current mood: bored

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been off updating these for a while, and a few things happened since the last entry. nothing shocking, but still.

i kinda cut ties with my friend- the one from before. and yeah, it stings a bit, but i seriously can’t keep talking to someone who manages to bring up their partner in every single “how are you” conversation.
nothing against the poor guy, honestly. it’s just. sticky. annoying. like there wasn’t a single text where his name didn’t pop up.

so i stopped replying.
been reconnecting with old friends instead, which hhas been kinda comforting. and i’ve also found a weird sense of peace in being alone. sort offff??

in other news: i’mm thinking about cutting my hair myself. scary, but i think i at least figured out how to make my bangs behave (thumbs up!!)

i’m also trying to figure out how to tell my mom that i’ll be wearing a suit for my friend’s birthday. it’s nothing surprising, but she’s gonna get sooo hhysterical because it’s a fancy place and she wants me in a long dress. which i’m uncomfortable with(obviously), mostly in front of people who actually know i’m a guy.

anywayyy
i’ll survive. probably (not)

g :-)

current mood: blah

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it’s been a few days since the last update, and just when i thought i could finally wave my white flag, misery showed up like it was waiting around the corner, ready to knock me down for even thinking about peace

i don’t even know why i keep writing about them like they were my partner. we were just friends. but the cold distance makes me feel like some washed-up ex, going throughh withdrawal over something that technically never even happened. (ik weird)
and now that you’re back, i can’t ignore how dry every text feels- like i’m the one who buried you in memory.

i hate being this sensitive. but what i hate more is pretending i’m fine with it.
it’s not even jealousy. i don’t do jealousy, mostly because i get how annoying it is.
i just want my friend back.

whatever, i'll just wait until something changes- maybe until i feel the backstabbing

g

current mood: crappy

tags:

go back to what it meant back then

(and you imagine yourself moving deep into the summer and disappearing)

old aches become new again

head hurts. sad face

"and live my life alone, forever now."

first day being yourself dot dot dot

news dot dot dot

Haven't you heard, sorrow's in

“yeah. two years ago when you were socially relevant.”

hide your knives and i’ll hide my fangs

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