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i keep hearing chimes and i have no idea where theyāre coming from..
im so pissed off. i try to be nice because we havenāt talked in a week and you start getting pissy with me, after youāve already left me on delivered for over an entire fucking day. i donāt get it.
i just feel sick with anger right now, and itās stirring in my stomach. i feel like i tend to exaggerate my emotions sometimes to sound cooler, but i really feel sick. like i could throw up all the cold water i just drank. what did i even do?
i wish i didnāt have to be coddled just so i wonāt be offended or hurt, i like it a little though. i like when people care enough to make sure iām okay. but thereās no one to coddle me right now. no one to tell me i just got the tone of the message wrong or it wasnāt meant to sound so snarky. no one to tell me to quit being a bitch. this is the last post that i write for you.
i donāt want to ghost him for another year (about 11 months to be more accurate), but things are looking grim..happy new year?
xoxo
a
i just feel sick with anger right now, and itās stirring in my stomach. i feel like i tend to exaggerate my emotions sometimes to sound cooler, but i really feel sick. like i could throw up all the cold water i just drank. what did i even do?
i wish i didnāt have to be coddled just so i wonāt be offended or hurt, i like it a little though. i like when people care enough to make sure iām okay. but thereās no one to coddle me right now. no one to tell me i just got the tone of the message wrong or it wasnāt meant to sound so snarky. no one to tell me to quit being a bitch. this is the last post that i write for you.
i donāt want to ghost him for another year (about 11 months to be more accurate), but things are looking grim..happy new year?
xoxo
a
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i love my friends, donāt get me wrong, but thereās only so many times you can punch me in my ribs without me getting irritated. iām running on oreos and ice water and you decide to keep doing shit you know pisses me off. weāve been friends for about 3 years, you know how little my temper is. you can see my mood shift in my face.
i donāt care that much that she hit me, i care because it wasnāt even really deserved. and i donāt like being scared. you literally watched me curl up before you hit me and you did it anyway. wtf. itās okay though cos weāll be cuddled up in 2 min.
we made up right after i wrote this ššš
i donāt care that much that she hit me, i care because it wasnāt even really deserved. and i donāt like being scared. you literally watched me curl up before you hit me and you did it anyway. wtf. itās okay though cos weāll be cuddled up in 2 min.
we made up right after i wrote this ššš
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i know that i love you because i always want you here. there's never a time when i wish we would be apart. i've never felt quite that way about anybody before
itās been a while since iāve written on here and wasnāt in distress or upset. i was going to say ābut when am i not upset,ā but iām actually in a good mood right now.
do you ever think about what dinosaurs thought before that meteor hit them? like āoh itās about timeā or maybe they thought the sun was exploding. dinosaurs freak me out. imagine they were still here, would we even be here? would we co exist? would they keep us as pets? do you think your pets would rather be with you or in the wild?
do you have pets? i have a turtle named mikey, me and my friend agreed on the name. she wanted to name him that because of michelangelo (that orange turtle), i agreed because of mikey way. i really
am a geek. i actually donāt know if mikey is a boy or girl, and iām not sure when i decided he was a guy? iāll be able to tell when heās older. even if mikey does end up being a girl iāll keep the name, he wonāt know anyway.
if you celebrate, whatās on your christmas list? whatās hanukah like for people who celebrate? i feel like it would be so cool getting gifts 8 days straight, youād have stuff to look forward to for over a week. anyway, whatever you celebrate, spend time with the people you love, have a great time
happy holidays, xoxo
a
do you ever think about what dinosaurs thought before that meteor hit them? like āoh itās about timeā or maybe they thought the sun was exploding. dinosaurs freak me out. imagine they were still here, would we even be here? would we co exist? would they keep us as pets? do you think your pets would rather be with you or in the wild?
do you have pets? i have a turtle named mikey, me and my friend agreed on the name. she wanted to name him that because of michelangelo (that orange turtle), i agreed because of mikey way. i really
am a geek. i actually donāt know if mikey is a boy or girl, and iām not sure when i decided he was a guy? iāll be able to tell when heās older. even if mikey does end up being a girl iāll keep the name, he wonāt know anyway.
if you celebrate, whatās on your christmas list? whatās hanukah like for people who celebrate? i feel like it would be so cool getting gifts 8 days straight, youād have stuff to look forward to for over a week. anyway, whatever you celebrate, spend time with the people you love, have a great time
happy holidays, xoxo
a
tags:
i need some fucking hobbies. i'm going to go to the gym more, i guess whenever i feel lonely or upset. i wonder if they let you cry in the gym? i'm going to buy a bass guitar for myself and learn for myself. for the joy of an instrument. for the joy of playing along with a song i love. i'm going to make more shitty films and have less rules for what is "good" enough for me to make. i don't need to be better than anyone else. i need to be better than the void that chases me. the hole in my portfolio that wonders why none of my projects are solo. maybe i'll try to write again. i'll be in ceramics class too, maybe i'll get shitty at that for awhile. lower my own expectations. how are you going to do something for ten years if you won't do it for ten minutes? maybe i'll go to the gym tomorrow. i'll never feel like doing it but maybe it'll make me want to cry less. maybe not. i'll start going to shows alone. i'll start going to shops alone. i'll buy a replacement for my left airpod and i'll get a barber and a couple tattoos. i'll make some mistakes and i'll learn, or i won't. i'll be 23 and alone and maybe sad but i could be happy. i can be. then eventually i'll be 24 and something will change or it won't and then i'll force it to. be the change, right? you have to, at some point. i messaged a tattoo artist, about a week ago. no reply. maybe i'll walk in someplace. do i have an idea? not really. i need something to change, though. i'll change it myself. i need my brain to change a little. i'll find my meds soon. it's three in the morning. i need to sleep. everything will change soon enough. it will always get worse before it gets better. is that an inspiring note to leave this on? i should figure out how to upload pics on here. or rather, upload to a 3rd party website to link on here. something something, old internet. this post will have no legs in the morning. but it means enough in this moment to hit post. i coughed, just now. that's enough of a reason to end it here.
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i'm sick! sick in the head, sick in the chest, but mostly sick as in a cold. sick as in alone. sick as in i'm losing everyone and sick as in i have to be the one to pull myself up and over it. but mostly sick as in a cold.
finals are over. i passed and i failed. did i pass..? i should check. one moment. okay i got a B and an FW. that's okay. i'm really hopeful i'll get into dmedia 2 again. i really hope i do, anyways. i need it to graduate this spring. i hope to make it.
i've not been taking my meds, it's too much to organize. but i'm really really starting to feel the lack of propranolol. i don't know what else to say unless we're getting into crying-on-my-keyboard category. logging off!
finals are over. i passed and i failed. did i pass..? i should check. one moment. okay i got a B and an FW. that's okay. i'm really hopeful i'll get into dmedia 2 again. i really hope i do, anyways. i need it to graduate this spring. i hope to make it.
i've not been taking my meds, it's too much to organize. but i'm really really starting to feel the lack of propranolol. i don't know what else to say unless we're getting into crying-on-my-keyboard category. logging off!
.